Tuesday, January 19, 2010

the crimes and righteous death of jacob greathouse, a dumb fucking redneck who should have known better...

jacob greathouse was a bad, bad man.

some of you who might have listened to my last show on KUSF (http://www.kusf-archives.com/2009/09/kusf-092409-12-3-am-dj-shekky.html) might remember that i made a reference to mister jacob greathouse sometime around the middle of the show. jake was a man to whom the natives living in or round the part of ohio i grew up in gave a grisly new meaning to the word "payback" somewhere along the ohio river in 1791.

you see, 'ol mister greathouse got it into his head back in 1777 to get a peaceful group of mingos drunk on some big island smack dab in the middle of the ohio river or yellow creek or where ever the hell it was in order to easily murder them for no good goddamned reason. to make a long, ugly story short, jake and his gang of snaggle toothed cohorts blasted the life out of each and every one of those thoroughly inebriated mingos but a few who managed to escape into the thick southern ohio woods...mingos whose numbers just happened to include the pregnant sister, elderly father and brother in law of the famous chief logan...known near and far over the western frontier as a "friend of the white man".

the snaggle toothed greathouse posse shot and killed logan's father in the back (shikkllimus) along with the brother in law...and when they were done murdering logan's heavily pregnant sister, this knuckle dragging clan of redneck raccoon skin hat wearing troglodytes cut the unborn baby from logan's sister's belly and left it hanging in what must have been a horrible, obscene mass.

now fast forward from 1777 to 1791. i don't recall the exact details of how the shawnees captured jake greathouse and his wife, but capture them the shawnees did, along with more white folks floating west on a flatboat down the ohio river than you could count on all your fingers and toes. back in those wild days, the mingos and shawnees counted themselves as pretty damned good friends, and the shawnees had not forgotten the story of how logan's sister had been wantonly murdered and desecrated. every last one of the settlers captured along with jake greathouse and his wife were severely beaten with hickory branches, burned alive and scalped.

mister greathouse and his wife?

jake greathouse was beaten like the scumbag hillbilly fuck node asshole that he was, and then tied to a tree by a cord looped around his bright red neck...as was his probably horrified , screaming wife. with the fourteen year old image of chief logan's pregnant sister still crystal clear in their minds, the shawnees sliced mister and mrs greathouse' bellies open just above the pubic hairs, and the loose ends of their guts tied around the tree. they were then forced to stumble around said trees until their intestines were wrapped around the tree trunk. mister greathouse apparently survived until all of his innards along with his stomach were wrapped around the tree but mrs greathouse croaked about halfway around.

the indians then stuffed the intestinal cavities of jake greathouse and his woman with hot coals and got the hell out of the area that had become as hot as a bean can full of fresh bacon grease.

are there important lessons to be learned here? probably. lesson number one-don't fuck with people who have mean, powerful and crazy friends.

lesson number two-don't let your balls turn soft like butter in the microwave when given a fine opportunity to take revenge for your friends.

lesson number three--it's all about creativity when it comes to send a clear message to your enemies that says "DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR ELSE".

i hope you enjoyed my ugly little history lesson. if you want to learn more about how the states of ohio, kentucky and indiana were wrested from the natives by glassy eyed redneck assholes, try giving "the frontiersmen" by alan eckert a read.


Greathouse said...

Why are the Frontiersmen and That Dark and Bloody River by Allan W. Eckert the only sources which place a Jacob Greathouse as present and participating in the murders of the Mingo Indian, Logan's family at Joshua Baker's cabin in Baker's bottom, in the area of present-day Newell, WV, on 30 Apr 1774?

Stephen said...

Jacob Greathouse died sometime prior to April 1780. It was Jonathon Greathouse who was tortured and killed by the Shawnee in 1791. Eckert got quite of few of his "facts" mixed up.