shekky's diet soda taste test

SHEKKY'S DIET SODA TASTE TEST

TOMMORROW AFTERNOON i am going back over to geary boulevard to visit my new dentist and her KGB trained medical assistant, and i just can't wait! the odds are that i'll be having a root canal surgery done, something i've been preparing myself for during the past five years. part of my careful planning in advance of this momentous occaision has been The Total Abandonment of Sugared Sodas in Favor of A Diet Soda Regimen.

phenylketonurics and aspartame sometimes do wonders when it comes to staying true to the original recipe of say, doctor pepper or some other goddamned corn syrup filled swill. i know this, let me tell you, since i can't suck down that wonderful thomas kemper ginger ale at a three bottle a night pace without the open hole in the top right hand of my mouth hurting like sixteen different kinds of sugary hells. since dental pain is such a horrible, horrible thing, i've taken the logical action. here's the results of my informal Diet Soda Taste Test, in order of the most to least flavorful.

#1-Diet Vernor's Gingerale in a CAN. this stuff has the same tongue biting snap and fizzle as the original and a cold can of this chemically enhanced elixir will slap you back into the default world in a hurry if you need it. it's good with cheap whiskey too, if that's your sort of thing. i've already schlurped down two of them just this evening before i started to hit the bottle of baily's sitting on my desk. bonus points: vernor's is actually OK warm, which is saying a lot for any soda.

#2-Diet Dr Pepper in any container. another synthetic go go soft drink whose taste and bitch slap quotient doesn't stray more than a few degrees from classic dr pepper recipe. diet doctor pepper was an important reason that blib blib and i were able to sit all day in the blazing high altitude sun watching trains roll past us by the dozens. it's no good with booze, though and just tolerable when warm. beware-the fountain version of this soda pales in comparison to anything masquerading as soda pop, naturally or artificially sweetened. bonus: if you drink a one liter bottle of diet doctor pepper, you will feel like you've just snorted a quarter line of meth.

#3-Hanson's Sugar Free and Diet Canada Dry (tie). give hanson's the nod due to artificially sweetened blended fruity flavors supported by the sting of sucker punch style carbonation where Canada Dry earns shekky's kudos because on a scale of one to five in the "tastes like the original" test, canada dry rates a seven. a citrus flavored hanson's might work with vodka where the diet canada dry is acceptable with the addition of nothing more than a jim beam. if you're going to use expensive whiskey in a mixed drink, get corn syrup sweetened sodas. there's just no other way. oh yeah, hanson's is decent warm while canada dry becomes a sickly flavored light syrup, sort of like a ginger-y karo's.

#4-Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke (tie). both of these titans of the soft drink industry have been doing the artificially sweetened no/low calorie thing for eons now, but there's nothing about either offering that makes me want to piss out a joyful stream of caramel colored piss. both are imposers to the thrones that parched travellers are overjoyed to find in remote gas stations just short of the california/nevada border. alcohol does nothing to enhance the taste or palate posessed by either. diet pepsi or diet coke and both sink to the level of urinal and or gutter fodder once they are no longer cold. there is, however, the slight bonus of the caffeine content mixed into both of these corn syrup free contenders and hey, when you've got bad teeth, a cold diet soda is a cold diet soda.

#5-Diet 7up. if sweetened human urine were personified, diet seven up would easily sprint to the front of the line clamoring to be allowed to play the part. mixed with booze, diet seven up imparts a disappointing chicken-chested flavor of cheap whiskey, sweet and low mixed and fizzy water. this pathetic excuse for a soft drink becomes nauseating swill when warm, not unlike some sort of medicine mixed by a acid stoned witch doctor. it's not that great when served cold either, rest stop interstate five or no rest stop interstate five.

so that's it folks, my hopefully educational, entertaining, perhaps entertaining and highly opinionated Diet Soda Taste Test. maybe when the Tooth Woman and her KGB assistant get finished with me, i can go back to the good stuff!